It's Christmas and we don't have nearly enough metal-leaning Christmas tunes. Here are 11 bands that we think could probably pull off some festive tracks in one way or another!
Deicide
I like the idea of everyone in Deicide being really into doing a Christmas song except for Glen Benton. So the band goes and records all the music, but Benton is still obviously miffed about the whole thing and alters the lyrics to a Christmas classic to be about killing Jesus. The result would be a great mix of high-energy death metal and a less-than-enthusiastic Benton delivering his lines with an overt sense of annoyance.
Cannibal Corpse
Cannibal Corpse would be the opposite of Deicide, in terms of hypothetical vocal delivery and likely enthusiasm. George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher would without a doubt belt out a Christmas banger for the ages alongside some of the best death metal musicians to ever do it. I also like to think they'd throw in a B-side with the lyrics to "Heads Shoveled Off" reworked to be about shoveling snow. Really lean into the bloody Christmas spirit, you know?
Chat Pile
If there's ever been a band that could turn a Christmas song into the sonic equivalent of that post-snow slush on the side of the road, it'd be Chat Pile. Their song would sound like stale cigarette smoke embedded deep within the seats of car, the radio cutting between stations to stitch together only fragments of poorly-received Christmas classics, and the overwhelming feeling of being alone as the snow-covered highway stretches in front under the blinding daytime sun.
Mr. Bungle
Any Mike Patton project could fit onto this list, but Mr. Bungle is so all over the place that I'd love to see what would happen. Would they lean into the thrashier side of their modern lineup? Or would they throw it back to the days of their 1991 self-titled and go full on demented circus music? Personally, I could go for a lounge-music-from-hell rendition of a Christmas classic dressed up in the pearly white suit of 1995's California. I mean, "None of Them Knew They Were Robots" is already kind of a Brian Setzer song, right?
Ghost
Ghost already contributed "Hunter's Moon" to the Halloween Kills movie, so they might as well move right on to Christmas. Tobias Forge and the gang could definitely knock out a spooky-meets-festive single in the style The Nightmare Before Christmas gone metal, and who knows? Maybe they could recruit Danny Elfman for some additional orchestration. Dude seems open to collaboration these days. Then all Ghost needs to do is wait three years and I'm sure they'll have another TikTok hit on their hands.
Mastodon
Mastodon seems like they'd be good sports about doing a Christmas song, inevitably have way too much fun doing it, and end up with a solid song on their hands. For evidence of exactly how that goes, look no further than their often-overlooked single "Cut You Up With a Linoleum Knife." For this one, it feels like a Troy Sanders-sung verse would fit with a total earworm of a Brann Dailor chorus thrown in there. Christmas hats and a music video would be mandatory.
Municipal Waste
If there's ever been a band that could turn a Christmas song into a full-blown rager about partying and puking in the snow, it's Municipal Waste. Their song would definitely clock in at no more than two minutes and cause whiplash among the masses. And Satan help you all if this song ever got played at any store where the masses were shopping for their Christmas gifts. The moshing would be legendary.
Unto Others
Unto Others, or Idle Hands if you're keeping it old school, would bring a unique goth rock flavor to the Christmas season. Unto Others' Christmas jam would be straightforward, fairly dark, and drenched in effects-heavy lead guitar. Plus who doesn't want to hear vocalist Gabriel Franco throw some "OH!" yells onto a Christmas song?
Devin Townsend
Yes, I'm fully aware that Devin Townsend covered "Silent Night" in 2020. But where I think Townsend would really propel the Christmas season into the stratosphere is with an original song rife with his own humor. Townsend has proven countless times over the years that he can write an incredible song with laugh-out-loud moments, and I'm positive he'd execute that style perfectly for a Christmas song.
Sleep
Sleep already has a weed-themed Christmas sweater, so why not go all-in and throw a song out there to accompany it? Of course the song would be a bunch of stuff about leading an Iommic life as you march toward the Christmas tree high off your ass, but we'd all be down with it. It also helps that Sleep, and Al Cisneros in general (lookin' at you Om), has that slight religious, reverent bend to its lyrics.
Batushka
Speaking of bands with lyrics whose lyrics lean toward the religious, Batushka! What better way to spend Christmas day than by listening to a Batushka Christmas song? It's like going to actual mass, but without leaving the house or having to enter a church. Your family might not be down for a blackened Christmas song, but they'll learn to love it.
Bonus band: Sunn O)))
Fuck it, why not? Let's see what happens.
