In a candid interview with Jorge Botas of Portugal's Metal Global, Marko Hietala, former bassist and vocalist of Nightwish, shared his reflections on leaving the band four years ago, touching on the profound mental health struggles that led to his departure.
When asked about any regrets surrounding his decision, Hietala revealed: "Of course. I was regretting it already when I was leaving. But it was not just Nightwish. I've said this quite a few times, that I actually left everything."
The musician went on to explain that his ongoing battle with depression and anxiety had only worsened over the years, eventually reaching a breaking point. "My trouble with depression and anxiety was constant. It just wouldn't go away and have gotten worse and worse and worse during the years."
The pivotal moment came when Hietala realized that he could no longer continue with the intense demands of touring. "And I grit my teeth and held on until I felt that — yeah, it was when COVID was over, started to be over, and they said that, ‘Okay, we got these plans for the spring and then these plans for touring' and all that. And then I kind of realized, ‘I don't want to go. I'm feeling too bad. And if I go on the road, it's just gonna be a stress. I'm gonna be alone.'"
Looking for a way to escape, Hietala sought peace in Spain, removing himself from everything and everyone he knew, save for his wife and dog.
"Everybody's got their own survival methods [when it comes to being on tour] — they've gotta have them and all that — so I figured, 'I cannot do it.' At the same time, I was also already looking kind of vaguely if there would be a place where I could escape to some winter months because the darkness was making the depression and anxiety worse and all that. And then I kind of realized that 'I wanna leave everything, all the responsibilities, everything. I need to find out what's wrong with me.' So I kind of came just to Spain to get away from everything, everyone I know, except for the wife and the dog"
During this time, he began therapy sessions and, through discussions with various psychiatrists, a potential explanation for his struggles emerged.
"I was talking to psychiatrists here in Spain, there in Finland, through video and all that. One of them just suggested that ‘you might have ADHD [Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder],'" he said. "I'm, like, ‘How the fuck does it relate to depression and anxiety?' ‘Well, it does. Read about it.' And I did. Yep. And it's that feeling of difference that you do not match the other people's capabilities of handling their daily tasks or whatever. And I was just always lost — everything was a mess and all that. And what do you know? There it is — the ADHD."
Upon learning more, he discovered that ADHD had been a significant factor in his feelings of inadequacy and confusion. "It makes you, as a social creature, a tribal creature, that kind of a thing, the social isolation, it's a slow way to death. We know that loneliness is a killer. Well, yeah, but I kind of learned to deal with it ever since I was a kid. But it doesn't really make it necessarily easier. It had its consequences."
Reflecting on his mindset at the time, Hietala shared, "Nothing I ever do will make anything any better. Everything is grey and worthless. And I am too." It was this heavy burden that had been growing on him. "That was the thing that had been growing on me. So, when this ADHD thing came up, then I read about it, went to the neuropsychological test and all that, and yep, I got it."
Though the diagnosis was eye-opening, Hietala described how it provided a sense of relief. "Yeah, because now I know. It's a relief to know that there are things in your history and in yourself that you just cannot help. That's what you are."
With this understanding came the ability to forgive himself for past mistakes and regrets. "So a lot of kind of guilt about things that were left undone or unsaid or went straight to hell from the things you did and said, suddenly you find out that, okay, actually, no matter how much you wish you would have acted differently, you couldn't, with the knowledge you had that time… And you can forgive yourself for the shit. And then again, you can also forgive quite a lot of other people for not understanding."
Today, Hietala feels much better, embracing the clarity that comes with understanding his condition and how it shaped his experiences. "So, yeah, it's a relief. You get a load off your chest."
