If one thing can be said about the writers of Metal Inquisition (besides the fact that they are assholes) is they are heavily opinionated. Its also possible they know a little more about metal than you do. Which is why we asked them to guest-blog for us and revive our tr00 or False column, where they bring you the best and worst stories of the week. Be forewarned, that the opinions expressed are completely those of Metal Inquisition and not necessarily those of Metal Injection.
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Avenged Sevenfold, Atreyu, Death by Stereo nominated for OC Music Awards
The only thing more fun than slaying the sacred cows of internet metal nerds is praising stuff they hate. With that said, we are excited to see A7X, Atreyu, and DBS win awards in what we can only imagine is the douchiest awards show on the planet. I am guessing that if you had a nickel for every Affliction shirt there, you could live like Scrooge McDuck.
Entombed play a cruise ship!
I have never been on a cruise ship because I was a poor kid growing up and I'm still poor thanks to my ability to make one epicly bad life decision after another. Like many people who grew up poor, though, I am very materialistic and I am always supportive of artists who compromise their integrity for money. So naturally, I was thrilled when I saw that Entombed had signed up to headline the Sweden Rock Cruise! Three cheers for cash!
PAUL STANLEY appears On FOX BUSINESS' 'Happy Hour'
Speaking of naked capitalism, Kiss basically invented the idea of shamelessly exploiting your art for cash. I hate their music a lot, but I love their entrepreneurialism and brand management skills. I mean, you know you're doing something right as a sellout if your band is on fucking FOX BUSINESS! Unfortunately it was just Paul blabbing about his terrible art. I was hoping they would discuss the Kiss coffin, or perhaps Gene's thoughts on emerging markets derivatives in the 90s.
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SCOTT IAN To Host Exclusive Online Poker Tournament
This is nearly as cringeworthy as Alice Cooper playing golf. Look, nobody wants to see an old guy who's trying to stay young and cool forever, but it's also a little demoralizing when you see the guy from fucking Anthrax doing the same stuff as your 60 year old dad. I could definitely imagine Scott working with my pops (he works at a prison with lots of douchey, white trash metalheads), coming over to watch some college basketball and talk about weatherproofing his deck.
Mark Slaughter is also old
In the "kick em while they're down" department, watch Mark Slaughter mangle every aspect of "Fly To The Angels" in this difficult-to-watch video. His vocal performance is appalling, but his stage banter is perhaps even worse, like at 4:00 when he asks the audience, "How many rock n rollers we got out there tonight?!" Thank god for the internets, so any time a moderately famous person does something stupid or embarrassing, it is documented for everybody to see and laugh at. I feel for the poor guy. I'm sure he's just trying to make a few bucks by playing his semi-forgotten hit. He must have known he couldn't really pull it off, but like a real trooper, he got up there and did it anyway because he needed that cash! I'm guessing it's a similar feeling to what you go through every morning if your job is to put on a silly costume and stand on the corner holding a sign for a sale on matresses: "God, I can't believe I have to do this… I'm going to look like such an asshole. Oh well, those bills aren't gonna pay themselves. Fuck my life." Also, note that he kept his margins high by doing this as a solo performance with hired backing band so he didn't have to pay the original Slaughter members to show up.
Dream Theater, Buck Cherry and Billy Talent headline awful festival in Europe
It's nearly spring, which means it's time to announce the lineups for the 890732478623 festivals that seem to happen every summer in Europe. The idea of going to ANY festival seems like about as much fun as shaving your head with a cheese grater to me, but this one is next-level torture. If I didn't know better, I would say that the lineup is a sarcastic joke. It's so awful that I feel like someone went to a lot of trouble to put together the absolute most terrible combination of bands imaginable just so that I would read this headline and go, "Argh, seriously?! Jesus christ…" I am imagining a bunch of guys locked up in a war room, with one of those tables that has miniature soldiers on it and they push them around the map with a little stick. Only instead of little soldiers, they're pushing around tiny statues of Mike Portnoy and Josh Todd, rubbing their hands together and cackling with glee at how angry it will make me when they announce their devilish plot. I mean, Billy Talent?! This is proof that Euros are all retarded. Every single one of them.
Avenged Sevenfold, Atreyu, Death by Stereo nominated for OC Music Awards
The only thing more fun than slaying the sacred cows of internet metal nerds is praising stuff they hate. With that said, we are excited to see A7X, Atreyu, and DBS win awards in what we can only imagine is the douchiest awards show on the planet. I am guessing that if you had a nickel for every Affliction shirt there, you could live like Scrooge McDuck.
Entombed play a cruise ship!
I have never been on a cruise ship because I was a poor kid growing up and I'm still poor thanks to my ability to make one epicly bad life decision after another. Like many people who grew up poor, though, I am very materialistic and I am always supportive of artists who compromise their integrity for money. So naturally, I was thrilled when I saw that Entombed had signed up to headline the Sweden Rock Cruise! Three cheers for cash!
PAUL STANLEY appears On FOX BUSINESS' 'Happy Hour'
Speaking of naked capitalism, Kiss basically invented the idea of shamelessly exploiting your art for cash. I hate their music a lot, but I love their entrepreneurialism and brand management skills. I mean, you know you're doing something right as a sellout if your band is on fucking FOX BUSINESS! Unfortunately it was just Paul blabbing about his terrible art. I was hoping they would discuss the Kiss coffin, or perhaps Gene's thoughts on emerging markets derivatives in the 90s.
SCOTT IAN To Host Exclusive Online Poker Tournament
This is nearly as cringeworthy as Alice Cooper playing golf. Look, nobody wants to see an old guy who's trying to stay young and cool forever, but it's also a little demoralizing when you see the guy from fucking Anthrax doing the same stuff as your 60 year old dad. I could definitely imagine Scott working with my pops (he works at a prison with lots of douchey, white trash metalheads), coming over to watch some college basketball and talk about weatherproofing his deck.Mark Slaughter is also old
In the "kick em while they're down" department, watch Mark Slaughter mangle every aspect of "Fly To The Angels" in this difficult-to-watch video. His vocal performance is appalling, but his stage banter is perhaps even worse, like at 4:00 when he asks the audience, "How many rock n rollers we got out there tonight?!" Thank god for the internets, so any time a moderately famous person does something stupid or embarrassing, it is documented for everybody to see and laugh at. I feel for the poor guy. I'm sure he's just trying to make a few bucks by playing his semi-forgotten hit. He must have known he couldn't really pull it off, but like a real trooper, he got up there and did it anyway because he needed that cash! I'm guessing it's a similar feeling to what you go through every morning if your job is to put on a silly costume and stand on the corner holding a sign for a sale on matresses: "God, I can't believe I have to do this… I'm going to look like such an asshole. Oh well, those bills aren't gonna pay themselves. Fuck my life." Also, note that he kept his margins high by doing this as a solo performance with hired backing band so he didn't have to pay the original Slaughter members to show up.Dream Theater, Buck Cherry and Billy Talent headline awful festival in Europe
It's nearly spring, which means it's time to announce the lineups for the 890732478623 festivals that seem to happen every summer in Europe. The idea of going to ANY festival seems like about as much fun as shaving your head with a cheese grater to me, but this one is next-level torture. If I didn't know better, I would say that the lineup is a sarcastic joke. It's so awful that I feel like someone went to a lot of trouble to put together the absolute most terrible combination of bands imaginable just so that I would read this headline and go, "Argh, seriously?! Jesus christ…" I am imagining a bunch of guys locked up in a war room, with one of those tables that has miniature soldiers on it and they push them around the map with a little stick. Only instead of little soldiers, they're pushing around tiny statues of Mike Portnoy and Josh Todd, rubbing their hands together and cackling with glee at how angry it will make me when they announce their devilish plot. I mean, Billy Talent?! This is proof that Euros are all retarded. Every single one of them.
